I Know What I Need

Growing up I was always told to only rely on myself.

No matter what don’t ever NEED anyone.

Regardless, most of the people who were telling me this were either on marriage number 1-something, divorced, and/ or childless. Most of them were professionally happy though.

I would hear these people I looked up to say things like, "I don't need no man/ woman to make me happy." or "I can be happy all by myself” or “I’m happy only relying on myself”.

For a long time, I thought that was what I needed to be.

A strong self-sufficient woman who didn't need anyone. Not just a man, in some cases not even children, just myself.

Then......well…..

I became a mom. 

I had waited and waited for 9 months to finally have this tiny human. There she was in my arms looking up at me ready to face a scary big world. 

That was the moment I knew that I DID need someone in my life. I couldn't be alone and be okay with that forever. I'm not saying that some people can’t do that, go for it, that might be the right call for you. 

But for me......

I knew exactly what I needed on February 23rd, 2008. I needed that little girl, that precious sweet little girl to love me and allow me to love her in return. I never knew that one day the sweetest sound in the world would be my daughter’s cry. 

That one day I would meet this little person for the first time and want nothing more than to give her the whole world and more. I always thought it was silly to hear people say stuff like, I never thought I could meet someone for the first time and fall in love immediately, but I get it now.

Don’t get me wrong, being a mom is a fucking hard ass job. I would say it’s THE hardest job in the world.

I work long hours and overtime almost every day. I have to work whether I'm sick or feeling great. I can’t call out and I can’t switch shifts with anyone. I work for free (besides the occasional artwork I get) and I don't get Holiday pay. As a matter of fact, I have to pay for everything during the Holidays. I have no scheduled breaks, honestly, I don't even know what a break is.

If I had to write a resume the job titles I hold would be (I'll probably miss a few), Chef, Maid, Teacher, Laundry Woman, Servant, Baker, Banker, Therapist, Writer, Coach, Chauffeur, Manager, Janitor and overworked, yup I think that covers a few of them. 

Even with the world against me and the wind in my hair, life isn't too bad.

Oh, and don't get me wrong I have an amazing Husband. He helps with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and being a parent (yes, my husband actually does all of that and some. So why the hell and I complaining). Right now, our house is going through a transition. My husband is back at work full-time now. So, Mommy is stuck at home with these lovely little lambs doing all the household stuff by myself.

Let me explain something really quickly.

Before the pandemic my husband had just lost his job, and I had already become an at-home mom (my two youngest weren’t in school yet). Once the pandemic was in full swing, we were all stuck at home. I’ll be honest with you during that time being forced to be home with each other was the best thing that could have happened to us (I’ll be writing a whole post about my pandemic experience.)

Ever since then, we’ve been doing everything together. My kids said they are disgusted by how much time we spend with each other lol and that we’re too in love lol.

I work from home and as I said my husband is back at work. We went from both of us doing everything together to now everything being on my shoulders. When he’s able to he helps but it’s mostly me.

I don't know who gets more excited on the days my Husband is home early, the kids and the dog or me, lol. 
Life tends to throw a lot of curve balls my way, but I hit every single one out of the park (okay maybe not EVERY single one lol).

Take a moment with me……

Right now, I'm looking out my window and I have a view of my backyard.

I can see the leaves falling off the tree with every gust of wind that blows.

The trees have turned from a vibrant green to a beautiful red, orange, brown, and yellow, mixed with just a hint of green.

It almost looks as though it's snowing leaves.

Moments like these are the ones that we need to take in as core memories.

So, on days when you feel like you've hit rock bottom, the kids are crying for no reason, your teen(s) won’t stop arguing with any and everybody, the dishes are overflowing and dinner still needs to be made, you can think about this very moment.

Close your eyes and picture those leaves falling in the wind and the sun shining on the trees in just the right spot that the bright autumn colors glow in its bright beams.  

Take a deep breath...Hold…...and release…

Now open your eyes and keep pushing forward.

Not every day is going to be so hard.  

Not every moment is going to be stressful.

Not every second are you going to feel hopeless.

The days will get easier.

The stressful moment can be a learning tool.

The hopelessness you feel can change with a smile and a hug from someone who calls you mommy (or mom or ma or Hey I can’t find my favorite sweater can you help me, one of those).

Bright sunbeams are waiting to shine down on you, you just have to step into the warmth and let it work its magic.

Sometimes a Mommy Meltdown is what we need. Until next time.